Pam, the Diary of a Bad Vamp
by EricFancier
Summary: Pam keeps a diary and you get to read it! Warning: silly humor and major OOC ahead. Set in season 1.


**Author'****s notes: This story is based on information obtained from the TV-show "True Blood" and not from the "Southern Vampire"-books, since I have not read them. Enjoy!**

June 6th

Dear Mr. D,

What a deranged night it has been! It started just like any other night, smacking blood heads around, operating the rat-gate and trying to keep Ginger out of trouble (I really must do something about her attitude). Then they came along, or more importantly, she did. It was our old friend, Bill Compton, and his pet. I knew right away that I must keep an eye on her. She was the first mortal I've seen in a long time that seemed revolted rather than aw-struck at the sight of the club. She has taste. And she talked back. Feisty little thing… but even more noteworthy was Master's immediate interest in her. Turns out I know him better than he will admit. It must have been a decade since I saw that glow in his eyes. He wanted to pounce her right there on the spot. It was highly amusing to see Compton trying to brand his territory. Believe me Bill, this is a fight you cannot win. Anyways, shortly afterwards hell broke loose in its most annoying form. Damned cops, I had just gotten the floors re-done after the last incident! By the time things were rounded up, the usual way, our guests were far gone. A real pity. I truly hate cops. Had one however some time ago, tall and dark, brooding. He tasted like pepper grown on a graveyard. Not so bad. Still, they are a damned annoyance. Deranged night indeed, Mr. D. Hard work now awaits putting this place right in time for the fifth annual Orgy Saturday. Sweet innocent Sookie doesn't know what she's missing!

June 9th

Dear Mr. D,

I am exhausted to my very bones! Master has been pacing around here like a starving tiger for the past nights and tonight it all unfolded. On top of me of course. He made me dig up a flower-patterned dress from the costume cabinet and put on a ridiculously girly diadem, before he had his wicked way with me. For two hours straight! I swear, I have trouble walking. Don't get me wrong, it was very nice… but a little weird. Weird even for Eric. Well, I'd better get some ice, preferably enough to cover all of me. Sweet hellfires…

June 13th

Dear Mr.D,

Something very strange is in the brewing. Tonight Eric proclaimed that he wanted every woman in the staff to dye their hair blonde and from now on only wear skimpy dresses almost identical to the one Bill's pet was wearing. In white! Can you believe it? The whole club reeks of cheap bleach-tonic. It's driving me crazy. Ginger, the snotty little trollop, embraced her transformation with abundant enthusiasm. Now, everywhere I turn I see a blonde woman and Eric is grinning so wide it actually scares me. To top it all of another considerable amount of money has mysteriously disappeared from the books. Longshadow is suggesting the accountant. That sorry excuse for a human better not come across me tonight. I'll have his bald head on a plate. I can feel Eric staring at me from across the room. If he thinks I'm putting one of those dresses on he can keep on dreaming!

June 16th

Dear Mr. D,

Sookie Stackhouse needs to get her ass over here soon, or I might just bring her over myself. Ever since she came here that night Eric has been increasingly harder to handle. _Literally_. I was left in charge of the bar while he paid Bill a surprise visit, as he hasn't been answering his calls. He came back just as I was closing up with his hair wet. He had been taking a bath in Bill's bathtub when he came home. Now _that_ I would have liked to see! Bill is his cutest when he gets all territorial. They'd had a nice long talk, Eric said. Hah, as if I don't know what's going on. He is coming over tomorrow night, with her. Supposedly Sookie's abilities can help us find the thief. If it is Ginger I'll make her suffer. And after that has been arranged… I do hope for Bill's sake that he knows his own good and doesn't put up to much of a fight over Sookie. I will not clean that wooden floor again!

June 17th

Dear Mr.D,

The fucking floor is a bloody mess. _Literally. _Can't really say that I miss Longshadow though. He was always such a grunt, I should have known. Bill is in really deep trouble, but I suspect this is exactly what Eric wanted. The sly devil, he even outshines me sometimes! And Sookie, the pet apparently valuable enough to kill another vampire for, is an open target… After much hissing and screaming (another glamour took care of that, but I fear we are on our last strings with Ginger), I finally got some alone time with the wonder girl. As she stood there, dress soaked in blood, I'm beginning to understand the fuss Eric is making over her. She is… remarkable. Though I'd preferred the dress being drenched in _her_ blood instead of Longshadows', she turned me on quite a bit. I would have watched her change clothes, maybe even ravished her a bit if Ginger hadn't so inconveniently interrupted. I'm thinking that should be her name instead of Ginger. Inconvenient. Hell, if I could count all the times she's interrupted me and Eric! Good for her she is glamoured. She can clean the bloody floor. Eric let Bill and Sookie go way too easily afterwards. He is biding his time he says. I should have taken my chance when I had it. Those soft innocent lips parting in a gasp as I slid my hand down her thigh… Eric would have been so pissed, I start smirking just thinking about it!

June 18th

Dear Mr.D,

The days of surprises are not over! Here I'm thinking at 131 years old that nothing can surprise me anymore, and then this happens. Let's just say I walked in on them, Eric and Bill, at each other's throats. _Literally_. (Note to self: must cut back on this cleverness, I'm a god dammed walking pun!) Bill had been in Eric's office for a good while, discussing the exchanges of favors I presume, and I was merely checking up on their progress. The office was a wreck and Eric had Bill pinned up against the wall. Blood was pouring from a wound on Bill's naked shoulder; Eric had his hands gathered above his head, pressing his mouth into his neck… And damn, it was hot! Nothing could have made me move away from that doorway. I watched as Master taught Bill a lesson the old fashion way, their sweaty bodies rocking in a furious rhythm, their groans and moans echoing through the closed club. It left me all hot and bothered. I don't yet know what they settled with that. But I do know that we'll be seeing more of Miss Stackhouse, sooner or later. Now, if you excuse me I have certain… things to attend to. Goodnight, Mr.D.


End file.
